alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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