the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
