As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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