I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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