if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
