it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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