the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
