You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
