My hand turned me down
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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