Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's blow job season.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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