I'd wear matching sweaters with you
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
