believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
