I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
