he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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