her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
