I can text with my tongue
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
