My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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