There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
