Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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