I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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