im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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