What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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