my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you will always have a special place in my vag
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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