I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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