I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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