Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
