I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
