I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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