Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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