my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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