I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
