I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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