everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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