We're facebook friends in real life
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
