ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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