Porn is love you can see.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
