I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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