Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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