hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
