i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
