so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
