im about as happy as oj after his trial
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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