I CAN MOONWALK!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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