Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
