Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
