You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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