how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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