I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
