Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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