I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
