my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
