Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
