note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
