Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
