tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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