I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I checked into jail on foursquare
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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