I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
