We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I touched a dick in church today
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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